


I saved myself (but I still want you)

by WinterLioness



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: F/M, Ian helps because he can, escort Mandy, meets sober but still struggling Lip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-01-16 14:30:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12344544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterLioness/pseuds/WinterLioness
Summary: Mandy is a successful escort - between her abilities and her time put into the job she is at the top of the food chain.Lip has started at another tech company, is dedicated to staying sober, even if he still thinks AA is bs.They meet at a company retreat, and have to figure out if they want to fight to keep each other in their lives. And what a future between them could look like.





	1. Chapter 1

The truth is Lip always thought he was better then the people he grew up with, but he was always afraid of being wrong. Its why he tried to drop out of high school, why he avoided going to college. If you don’t try then you can’t fail, and there is a safety in that - one there isn’t in messing everything up. Between the drinking and all the other mistakes he tried to forget about the girl who pushed him, mostly because he still didn’t know how to feel about it.

He looks at his little sister, graduating high school with an alternative degree, a baby on her hip. He is undeniably proud of her, even with the jealousy he tries to ignore. It’s hard for him when his siblings succeed, and he hates himself for that. Fiona is doing well, making more money than anyone from their part of town ever did. He wishes he had her resilience, that ability to dust herself off time and time again. Ian is laughing with boyfriend, their hands laced together. Carl is in his dress blues, smiling at Liam who is talking about all of the new things he is learning at his fancy skill. 

After the graduation ceremony they had a party, yet another where he was watching everyone else drink and party while he sipped on his coffee. He was doing okay at his new job, another tech company. He had moved up from intern, and was now barely making minimum wage and working more hours then he was getting paid for. 

“Lip!” Ian cried, tossing his arm over his shoulder. “Can you believe it?! Another graduated Gallagher!” Lip just nods, training his eyes away from the beer his brother has draping from his fingers. Ian tugs him to the living room. He takes Frannie from a twirling Fiona, smiling when she giggles. 

“Lip!” She yells, he thinks of the first time she said his name, everyone else had complained because his name was the easiest to pronounce. 

 

**********************************

He doesn’t think of Mandy a lot, but on his good days he finds himself wishing she was there, and on his worst days when everyone is judging her he misses her in a way he can’t describe, not that he has ever tried out loud. It’s one of the few secrets he keeps, even from AA. So it seems like a weird coincidence that she is at the ‘retreat’ his company forced him to go to. He thinks it’s just an excuse for all these trust fund kids to party it up in the country, but at least there will be plenty of weed. 

He watches her, silently as she laughs, from the arm of one of the head guys he hadn’t bothered to learn the name of. She is wearing a dress that he would guess costs more then he makes in month, and she looks good. She has always looked confident, at least around other people, and tonight is no different, but it feels like to him less like a lie. 

****************  
She would like to say that she doesn’t think of Lip. But for as much as she has taught herself not to base her worth on boy’s opinions of her, she still wonders what he would think of her decisions, what he would say when she can’t sleep. Excluding her brothers, who protected her because an attack on her was an insult on them, and Ian whose heart was to good for his own good, Lip was the first and only boy to ever tell her that he loved her. And she believed him, even when she knew they weren’t always good for eachother, and even when he hurt her or she left him. 

She realized at some point that she would need to be the one to save herself. She was strong, in a way most people didn’t need to be, forged by fire and abuse. 

She learned early how to use her body to manipulate and she was smart enough to know that was her ticket out. Because she was smart, but not going to college on a full scholarship smart. With her dad’s abuse and her mother’s absence she taught herself all that she knows, and maybe some people would judge her for the things she has done, and she judges herself harshly, but part of her is proud as she wipes her hands against her dress. It was a gift from another man, but the guy who has bought her weekend advised her to wear something nice for the first night of this retreat. She wasn’t expecting Lip to walk in, and it makes her pause, her heart suddenly in her throat. 

It has been two years since they saw each other last, when she walked out his front door, a few seconds earlier and they would have collided. Instead she remembers how he had made a face, like he was thinking of what to say, and how she had turned, not ready for whatever he wanted to say. And it’s been even longer than that since she last heard his voice. 

*********************************

They orbit around each other, keeping their distance, each pulling back when the other makes a move to get closer. She laughs at the story her date is telling, a crowd forming around him. Then suddenly they are toasting, and she isn’t following what the celebration is about, but she can’t bring herself to care, doesn’t know if she would be paying more attention if the situation was less of a mess. 

“No beer for newbie.” one of the guys jokes, while they are all still gathered around. She finds herself looking to Lip, not able to catch his eye when he ducks his head. Her date pulls her away to another conversation, and her head feels fuzzy. 

Somehow she didn’t think of what may have changed with him, not until this moment. She pictured the same boy she knew, just in a different place. But time has changed him, just as it has changed her. She finds herself following him, a few moments after he heads to the door with his hand already reaching into his pocket for his smokes. 

She traces her eyes over his profile, as he is looking at the horizon. They are just outside the city, in some little cabins built in a circle and she can see the stars, but instead she just watches his profile as he brings the cigarette to his lips. After a few seconds he passes it to her, finally bringing his eyes to hers. 

“Nice dress.” he says, that little half smirk on his lips. 

“Thanks.” She coughs out with a laugh, glancing over her shoulder at the party. She doesn’t normally leave her dates alone, and it makes her palms itch in the way new things always do. 

They are quiet for too long to be comfortable. “I’m okay.” She tells him, when she notices his eyes going soft. It’s the same thing she told Ian, because she know’s the shape of the gallagher heart. 

He laughs, “I’m not.” He tells her, pulling the cigarette from her lips and back to his own. He takes a long drag. She turns her eyes to the stars, as he looks out at the trees. She doesn’t say anything, and mentally tells herself she will go in if he doesn’t say anything by the end of this cigarette. “I think I’m too much like my father.” He admits to her, throwing the cigarette out and reaching for another. 

“Fuck that.” She tells him, making him laugh, in that way she always loved like he is surprised to be able to laugh. 

“I’m a drunk.”

“And?” She crosses her arms, turning to face him. She can see over her shoulder that her date is looking at her strangely as he is talking with her friends. And she wonders how much this is going to cost her. When he looks away and doesn’t answer she nods to herself before getting up. “I have to go back in.” She tells him, wanting to touch him, but just waving her hand awkwardly before it can reach his shoulder. When she reaches the door and the noise from inside floods outside she turns back to him. “I don’t know what you have been going thru, but I believe everything good I’ve ever told you, you are a good man, I still believe that.” And then she is gone and he is left alone with his thoughts. 

He didn’t ask for this, just kept falling in and out of things in his life. And he never asked for her, she just fell into his life and carved a spot for herself and then disappeared and he could never really blame her, because as good as she was for him, he was never good enough for her. He didn’t ask for her to be here tonight, still didn’t know how or why she was. 

***************************

He goes back inside after he has finished half his pack, when his hands are steady and he feels less like drinking. He finds himself talking to the few people he knows from the office, flirting with one of the interns as she blushes. 

She stops herself from watching him, but she senses him, knows he is still there. She leans into the touches when her date is paying attention, forces herself to giggle when his hands stray further. She kisses him when his friends turn to someone else, and she knows this, feels steady.

When most of the group is drunk and some of them are nodding off she lets her date, Jordan - she suddenly recalls, lead her off to his cabin. She catches Lip’s eye and he looks like a kicked puppy, and part of her wants to pull her hand from this guy but still she follows him out the door. 

***********************

Lip goes to the cabin he is sharing with the interns and some of the other new employees, pausing before the door. He fishes his cell out of his pocket, sitting on the steps. 

“What’s Wrong?” Ian mumbles, obviously just woken up. “Lip?” he asks when the silence has gone on for too long.

“Mandy is here.” Lip tells him, trying for nonchalant. 

“Wow.” There is silence once again, and Lip can barely hear Lip sitting up fully. “With a John?” 

“A what?” Lip asks angrily, suddenly standing and glaring at the cabins.

“Shit.” Ian says, rubbing his hand over his face. “She is going to kill me.” When Lip just huffs angrily he continues. “She has been escorting for a few years now. That’s how she got the jeep. She does weekly check-ins with me and Mick.” 

“Fuck.” Lip exclaims, kicking at a stick. 

“She is okay.” Lip laughs, sardonically. “Seriously. None of them hit her, she had a bad run with drugs about a year ago but she got clean, or as clean as anyone from southside ever is. She is making more money than she knows what to do with, even has a saving account apparently.”

“Fuck.” Lip says again, now not sure what to do with this information.

“Just don’t fuck things up for her before you know what you want. Okay?” 

“Yea, okay.” After a couple deep breaths, “Thanks.”

“Anytime.” Ian says before they hang up. And the thing is he really means it, he always answers his phone, talks him thru things if he is itching for a drink. Lip doesn’t like needing people, but he is more likely to call his family, than anyone else - especially one of those AA guys. And Ian is the closest thing there is to an expert on Mandy Milkovich.


	2. Chapter 2

Lip has seen Mandy in every state of dress - usually undress. Except possibly this type of pajamas - with her hair thrown into a messy bun and her leggings and oversized sweater she looks beautiful in a regal kind of way that is so not indicative the southside girl he grew up near. He finds himself tripping over his own feet, before brushing past his coworkers to get to the coffee pot in the shared kitchen. 

“Hey John,” He says, sitting down in the seat next to Jordan and across from Mandy and leaning his elbows on his knees. 

“It’s Jordan.” He corrects, leaning back in his chair and placing a hand on Mandy’s leg. “You're the new guy right?” Lip just nods, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Lip,” Mandy warns in a whisper, glaring at him. “Don’t.”

“What you know this kid?” Her date asks, moving his glare from Lip to glance at her. She nervously brings her hands up to wrap around her upper arms. Jordan moves his hand off her leg, looking once more between them before getting up and leaving. 

“Fuck.” Mandy grits out, glaring across the table at Lip. “You can’t do shit like that.” When Lip doesn’t change his facial expression, she uncrosses her arms and leans on the table. “You can’t risk your job and my paycheck. It’s not fair.”

“I miss you,” he tells her, taking another gulp of his coffee, but still watching her.

“That’s not fair.” She tells him, standing. “I can’t do this, not here and not now.” 

“I’ve got my shit together.” He tells her, reaching for her arm but dropping it when she tenses. 

“It doesn’t look like it from here.” She tells him, glancing back at him sadly before following where her date walked away. 

****************************************

Jordan falls asleep after she spends a while making it up to him. She grabs her sweater and locks herself in the bathroom with the shower running, just in case he wakes up.

“Hey, Mands.” Ian chirps when he answers the phone.

“Lip is here.” She tells him, drumming her fingers across the countertop. 

“I know.” After a minute of her just staring at herself in the mirror he adds on, “he called me last night.”

“Oh.” She turns around and hops onto the counter, sitting criss-cross. “He says he is doing well.”

Ian snorts at that, “Gallaghers don’t do well.”

“You do.” She reminds him, smiling at the thought. She loves Ian, she has always and will always want the best for him. 

“I have my bad days, and Gallagher bad days make other people’s bad days look like the best day ever.” She finds herself nodding, picking at a stray string from her leggings. “He is doing better.”

“Good. I mean he looks good.” 

“Looking to tap that again?” He teases, laughing till she hangs up the phone. He waits a few minutes before calling her back. She answers after the first ring.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” She admits. And it strikes Ian as strange that not even when she admitted the things her father would do to her did she sound this uncertain. When Ian takes too long to respond she slides her feet back to the floor. “Jordan is going to wake up soon, I gotta go.”

***************************

She stays in bed for the rest of the day, grabbing Jordan’s arm to pull him back when he goes to leave. This at least she knows how to do. 

They make it back to the rest of the group after the day's activities are done, all dressed up to go out to one of the nicer restaurants in this town. Jordan leaves his hand on her hip possessively, laughing at his co-workers' jeers to them hiding out all day. She ducks her head used to playing the dutiful girlfriend. 

Lip is in a suit, which she has only seen a handful of times. Her hand itches to straighten out his tie, but she just brushes it against Jordan’s shoulder instead, leaning on him. 

When the cars pull up she catches Lip eye right before she ducks into the car she is sharing with Jordan and some of the other higher-ups and their significant others. 

“So Mandy, Jordan has been keeping you a secret for a while now right? Where are you from?” One of the guys asks. Timothy, she thinks, fighting the urge to roll her eyes at a guy who insists on being called Timothy instead of Tim. 

“Chicago, actually. Born and raised. My mother meet my father when she was supposedly taking a cross-country trip. She never finished making it East.” It's not a lie, not exactly. She isn't sure about much when it comes to her mother, but one of the women who mentored her told her to always keep it close to the truth. 

“That’s so cute!” one of the girlfriends gushes. She just smiles, curling up into Jordan’s side slightly till he drapes his arm over her shoulders. She doesn't really understand Jordan, he isn't that much older than her, he is attractive, smart, nice, and wealthy. He is the kind of guy she used to laugh at other girls for dreaming of, because guys like him didn't exist, and yet he is paying her. 

“Have you met Jordan’s parents yet?” One of the guys asks, a wide smirk on his face. Jordan gives him a glare and squeezes her shoulder. 

“Not yet,” she says, making a show of tilting her head to kiss his chin. “I think he wanted me to pass the friend test first.” She jokes. 

“Probably for the best, after the last one and all.” one of the girl teases, before covering her hand over her mouth when the other girls swing their eyes to her. 

“what happened the last one?” she finds herself asking, wincing when Jordan’s hand digs into her for a second. 

“I can't believe he hasn't told you! So this girl was a real party girl. I heard she did coke sometimes!” Mandy has to fight not to roll her eyes. “Anyway, so she stole a bunch of Jordan’s family’s money and his parents had a fit and sent him off to Europe to stay away from her. He just got back not too long ago.” Mandy wonders how much a bunch of money is. How someone can have a bunch of their money stolen and still afford a flight to Europe. As long as she is around rich people there are some things she will never understand. Even now with all the money she has, she can't imagine ever feeling that financially secure. 

They pull up to the restaurant and Jordan holds onto her arm while everyone else climbs out, “We will catch up.” He tells them, releasing her arm as soon as they are gone. 

“I shouldn't have asked about her.” She tells him, distancing herself slightly. 

“She died. Overdose.” He tells her, his voice oddly flat. “8 months ago. I didn't find out till after the funeral.” She gives him a sad look. 

“You loved her?” She asks, wondering what one is supposed to do in this situation. They aren't friends, she wouldn't even be here if he wasn't paying her. And she isn't qualified to be a therapist. 

“Yea.” He says, smiling sadly at her before exiting the car and holding his arm out to her. She finds herself taking it and looking up at him as his friendly mask falls back into place. 

******************

After a dinner full of avoiding Lip’s glances while he flirts with his female co-workers and watching the guys on her end of the table locked into conversation after conversation that are thinly veiled alpha competitions she finds herself pulling Jordan to the side and asking if he'd like a walk. 

She waits till his coworkers are piling into the cars and they are a safe distance away.   
“Your ‘friend’ Timmy boy is afraid of not being taken seriously.” She tells him, laughing when he gives her a bewildered look.   
“I'm guessing he is the youngest kid in the family, dad, and older siblings always bailing him out.” 

“Pretty much.” He tells her, still giving her a confused look. 

“If you want to mess with him, hint that his family disapproves of some business decision. He will start compensating, that will make him sloppy.” 

“And why would I do that?”

“Because in a few months time there is going to be an end to the power struggle. I'm guessing you'd like the company.”

“And Anthony?” 

“His ‘girlfriend’ is an escort.” When he just stares again she sighs loudly, crossing her arms and leaning against the building they have stopped near. “I ran into her in the bathroom. She may be pregnant. But it's not his, they haven't had sex apparently.”

“And how does that help me keep my company? Revealing that would be pot and kettle.”

“In my experience guys don't just hire escorts for no reason.” 

“Then what else is he hiding?” 

“I guess that's for you to find out.” She teases. 

“So what'd you think my reason was?” 

“I try not to think about it.” She tells him, watching as he pulls his phone out to get an Uber. When he is done he leans on the wall next to her. 

“Have you ever been in love?” He asks, purposefully looking at the street stores lights and window displays. 

“Yea.” She whispers, like a confession she is hoping no one hears. 

“What happened?” 

“He got out.” but not really. “I ran into his ex. With my car.” but he forgave her. “I left.” She decides on, tapping her fingers against her leg in a steady pattern, wondering how long it's been since she had a cigarette. 

“I still think about her. She was so broken, and not that beautiful kind of broken ya know? It hurt to love her.” He admits, glancing at his phone to see how much longer the wait will be. 

“Did you forgive your parents?” 

“They were saving me.” When she looks at him, the surprise clear on her face he smiles gently. “She was always going to die. And I would have died with her given half the chance. I wish I had made it to the funeral, but the truth was, I said goodbye the moment I said hello.” 

It’s a weird thing to be jealous when someone is telling you the worst part of their lives. But she wishes she had parents that loved her and protected her, parents at all really. But she thinks of the few people she loves and can't find herself wanting to trade her terrible parents and childhood for caring parents, not if it meant losing Ian, or Mikey, or Lip. And she wonders if her mother would have been able to protect her from her father anyway.

When she can’t find the words to say, and their ride is pulling up he jokes, “I've had a lot of therapy.” Before going to introduce himself to the driver. 

*************** 

She and Jordan don’t have sex when they get back to the room. When they start getting ready to go to bed she says she needs some more fresh air, slipping out the door as he turns off the lights. 

She tiptoes her way into the cabin Lip is sharing, peeking through the open doors - hoping he left his door open. She gets lucky with the third open door, sliding the door closed behind her, wincing every time it makes the slightest noise.

“Hey.” She whispers, crawling onto the bed next to him. He opens his eyes, giving her a curious look as he sits up. 

“Hey.” He whispers back, “what are you doing?”

“You, hopefully.” She teases, smiling when he chuckles. Then they are kissing. He brings his hand up to gently caress her cheek before he wraps his arm around her to flip them so he is hovering above her. 

When he starts nipping her collarbone she stills, causing him to look up at her. 

“Did you mean it?” She asks, releasing the grip she had on his hair. “The night before I left?”

“Yes.” He tells her simply, leaning back up to kiss her before continuing his trail down. 

******************

After, when she has slipped her sweater and underwear back on, and the sweat has cooled on his brow, she curls into his side. 

“I feel like there is so much I've been waiting to say to you.” he makes a non-committal hmm, curling his fingers against her hip, making her squirm when he hits a ticklish spot. 

“I’m sorry about your mom.” She settles on, laying her hand flat against his chest. His hand stills for just a second. “I was going to come to the funeral, but I wasn't sure if that'd be okay.” 

“Ya know what's funny? Frank really loved her.” He says, his voice steady. Frank and her dad were 2 different kinds of bad father's, but their moms were similar. And she knows the wound from them leaving never really healed completely. 

“Didn't think he loved anyone?” She asks, knowing the answer already. 

“Not as much as drinking or being high.” He tells her simply. 

“I'm sorry I left.” He shakes his head at that, moving his other hand up to tangle in her hair. 

“I'm just glad you are okay.” Because after he got past the anger and disappointment, he worried about her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this took so long and is so short. Hoping to write more soon.


End file.
